DR. BRENÉ BROWN: How to Know Ourselves & Be Known by Our People

Welcome to, we can do hard things. This is going to be the shortest introduction on Earth because nobody wants to hear me talk. When you know, who's about to speak on these very grounds. We are on I'm going to introduce you to although who needs this introduction. We're going to do it. Anyway 2.

To our friend, one of our favorite people on this little Earth and her name is dr. Brene, brown Doctor brene. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation endowed chair. At the graduate college of Social Work. She has spent the past two decades, studying, courage, owner ability, shame and empathy. She's the author of five number one New York Times bestsellers, which Abby actually she's like, wait, she burn a she goes. That's

Not right, this isn't right. I was like, oh no, it's right. Five. Number one, Chris. That's so weird. Okay. And is the host of the weekly Spotify original podcast unlocking US and dare to lead, so freaking good. So good. Bernays books have been translated into more than 30 languages and titles including dare to lead braving the Wilderness. Rising strong daring greatly and the gifts of imperfection and love them. All. Most recently burn a collaborated with Toronto Burke.

Well, edit you are your best thing. Vulnerability, shame resilience in the black experience so good in her life who ever had. So much to say about some of the introduction, every single one. I'm like, yes, we'd like to comment on all the words. Okay? In her latest book, Atlas of the heart, which our entire team has been the last week's with. We're just takes us on a journey through 87 of the emotions and experiences that Define what it means to be human. Renee lives in Houston, Texas.

With her husband. Steve, they have two children, Ellen and Charlie. Dr. Brene Brown. Thanks for being you. Hello. Okay. So we this little team have been talking about your book for the last week's. Okay? The new book Alice of the heart, which is about to take the entire world by storm. I think it already has, I think before anyone got it. Mmm, Amazon already named it. Number one or

On the top to make it even read it. No, everyone just like your because when I put out a book, it's the best number one and they're always, right. Okay. So here's what I want to say about this book to start off with, I want you to tell me if I'm right about the okay. Okay, I'm ready. Okay, so start to finish read the whole thing many times and in my own little brain. I'm trying to figure out why this is so freaking important. And so for me, I think this is what

To my sister the other day. I think for me it's because okay, if connection to other human beings is what heals us and gets us through. Then the ability to understand, put language to and communicate our internal emotional selves to each other.

Is the only way that we will heal and get through because that is how we connect. And it's also the only really real way to be loved by anyone. If being loved is truly about being seen and understood, we can only be seen and understood. If we can put words to this, wild thing, that's constantly happening inside of ourselves.

Dr. Brene Brown. Is that right? Am I right? So this book is a guide to defining our internal self so that we can translate ourselves to the people. We love into the world. Okay, tell me if I might, I'm not right. I'm just going to I'm going to splice in something that says, yes, Glennon now, I mean, yeah, you nailed it. That's it. I mean, it is, that's it. It's like I didn't know.

Going into this book. First of all. Oh God. This book was so freaking hard. It was just it. I wasn't sure. I was going to make it through this book to be honest with you and I think it is everything that you're describing. It is how do we find our way back to ourselves and to each other? And how do we do it without language? Without some kind of understanding of, I love what you said? What this is Wild Thing happening inside of us.

We are not.

Much to my dismay and the dismay of many other people. We are not cognitive thinking beings who on occasion. Feel we are emotional beings. It defines who we are and

It just it was like every now and then when I was writing this, I got to this place where I was like, fuck. What have I gotten myself into like what is happening here? This is, it's like too big. It's too unwieldy. And so, yeah, it's exhilarating. You said Glennon, no, splicing necessary. Look at her book report plan, an A+ on the book report. Thank you. I mean, yeah. Thank you it. Jesse you've had

Wait for Brunei and sister to talk about this book because sister has had so many thoughts and feelings. So I have had 87 emotions about. Yeah, you guys me, I really feel so grateful to you because you're explaining it so well, but you're also so vulnerable in it at the same time and I feel like you were sharing some about when in growing up in your home was both full of

Of intense love and also intense rage and Glenn. And I had a similar experience when we were growing up and I really deeply resonated with your description of how kind of the unpredictability of that environment gave you this super power that enables you to meticulously read people's emotions. And I feel like I that has also served me. Well, as the kind of survival strategy, works in the

Because you can read people, but the flip side of that is also true that I can't turn off that high monitoring. So I feel like, I'm always just like an anticipatory anxiety mode, just like high alert at all times. So, when I was reading this, I got to the place where you talk about calm and you say that nothing is more important than getting a grip on your reactivity. My question is about that. It's how do we manage?

To use the superpower to be tuned in to people's emotions, but also not let it completely hijack. Our own emotional experience of really everything. Hmm. Whoo, man. It was a superpower. It was a survival power because even I think I right in there and it was it took for sure is the most personal I've ever been with kind of growing up.

Up and how things were hard. And even when things were great. I mean, y'all know my sister Barrett and then I've got she's got a twin Ashley and then I've got a we've got a brother between us and so I'm the oldest and so even when things and it's a hard place to be because even when things were really fun and intensely fun, I was the protector in waiting and I knew one something is going to go sideways, one comments, not going to

Work. One joke is not going to be funny and something's going to happen. And so at the same time, I'm kind of being made fun of for not jumping in all the fun. Mmm. I'm also going to be the person, when shit turns really fast. It's going to have to gather my siblings and get them out of the way. Wow, and yeah, and so, so as I've worked through that, especially with their up there my therapist, she's like, you know, you called it a super power because you could

Read very quickly. Wow. This is going to go bad in five to seven minutes. You know, she said, I would call it hyper vigilance. Mmm. Yeah, and she said, and boy, does that exact a price? You know? Yeah, you're always hyper Vigilant even if things are good.

Because the unpredictability growing up is the really hard part. It's like, I'm, you know, that's the hard part about not being able to guess what the antecedent is. Like. What is the thing that's going to cause everything to to Tumble. And so I think the work that I still do is there's two things. So

I think honestly in this has been hard and I think I was in the space writing the book, which made it really hard. I could cry maybe, but I think I've had too.

Limit my time with people that demand that hyper-vigilance including people including people. I love. Hmm. Hmm. Aha Sam. Yeah, and I remember when I first started seeing Diana, my therapist, I was Godly. I was 10 years sober and I'm 25 now, so 15 years ago, and I was sober but I was really leaning into

Food and work. And so I had just kind of given up some of the food staff and I was really working on work and I remember her. I remember saying her I need some medicine like I need some medicine because I got nothing. Now. I got nothing and she said what do you mean? I said I am like a turtle in a Briar Patch and you took away my Bud Light and you took away my cigarettes and now you've taken away the

Apple fritter. And now you've taken away the 70 hours of work. Like, I matter, I'm a turtle without a shell and a Briar Patch everywhere. I turn it hurts. I'm going to need something and she goes. Have you thought about getting out of the fucking Briar Patch. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah, and I was like

Is that the world? And she said partly be the world but it's also it's also your relationships, the family stuff, the world's you create. And so for me.

There was a definition by Jon kabat-zinn that I came across when I was studying overwhelm that really, I think about it every day. He said that overwhelm was the feeling that life is unfolding at a rate. That's unmanageable for me and my nervous system. Mmm-hmm. And so really, what I have found, you know, emotion is body.

And so like like you, I think?

I how do I be calm but hyper-vigilant and I don't think you can be. Mmm. I think it becomes a safety issue. You know, I think it just becomes. I you know, it was funny because we had some really hard family shit going on and it was the first time in my life because I was writing this book where I said, I I can opt into this, but my nervous system can't take it anymore. I don't have that. It, I don't have that anymore.

Well, Jamie, like Mission, it's such. It's like, it's not always the next strategy or the next, you know, thing to cope. It's creating some life that create that needs less coping from. Yeah. I mean, it's, yeah, because their shit that we cannot control the pandemics and white supremacy and we can make changes, but we don't have a ton of control over it, but this stuff

We can control, I think.

Where do I feel safe enough to be my best? Calm self? Mmm. I love

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To

go back to what you said about the overwhelm. We didn't an entire podcast on overwhelm and it's a topic of conversation in my family for a lot of reasons. And I think you did an extraordinary job in this book to Define overwhelm. You said, I mean, I think that it's so important to me because I don't necessarily get overwhelmed, but I live with people that

Get overwhelmed and your definition of overwhelmed, just blew my mind. You said you define it as a relating to our perception of how we are coping with our situation, not how we are actually coping, but our perception of how we are coping, whether we can handle it for me. I'm like, okay. Wow, that is incredible. And it makes me remember the story you told in this book about

Blown,

can you please tell the story of I'm going? Because we actually just walk around our house. Now, I'm blown brunette 32. And I'm the, The Boy Who Cried? I'm blown and now no one can listen to me. Anyway, to tell the story, please. Do you know what's so weird? Glennon that you said that I gave a talk last night was the first time I'd been like in front of an audience since, you know, a year and a half. And I actually talked about the boy who cried.

The wolf related to overwhelm is so weird that you say that. Well, first of all, let me just start by saying this, the the power of language. So this was new to me and I've stayed emotion for 20 years, like, but we just didn't have until probably the last 5 or 7, maybe, maybe 10, but really 5 or 7 years like the fmris and the Pet Imaging to understand that language doesn't just communicate emotion it shapes.

So, if I said, you know, if I said, hey Glenn, can you make me those great, chocolate chip cookies, that you make, and you get out your bowl and you put in, I'm never made chocolate chip cookies in my life. But like, I don't know, flower, I guess and chocolate chips and shit like eggs, and milk and whatever butter, butter butter, anything good has better.

What if I told you that the cookies, tasted differently radically differently, depending on what bowl you used? Hmm, like we think of language just like as a carrier of things manganese and it shapes things. And so, so the story about being blown in and being in the weeds is really just waiting tables Bartending for, you know, six, seven years all the way through college graduate school. And when it was busy, we'd get in the weeds, you know, and I'd be in

Needs to be like, I'd come into the kitchen door and be like shit. Abby. Can you take cheese, two, three and four? Glennon? Can you re bread? Seven. Amanda? Can you pull a ticket for me for seven? Where's, I don't know where their Greek salad is, you know, like that's that's that's in the weeds. It's things are getting hard.

There are obstacles for moving through. I need to take a breath but I'm I'm on top of it, but it's difficult. Mmm, every now and then it's a funny story. Actually, every now and then.

Someone would walk in the kitchen and just say I'm blown and it only happened to me twice and you know, in a six or seven year career. And this is a hard, the Papas restaurants and taxes. Papa. Do Papa. See toes. They're serious. Like like they have scarred me deeply, because there's still today. If I walk in the kitchen and Steve's, like, kind of leaning there, talking to try like, hey, you got time to lean. You got time to clean, or I'll walk good. And you would like be like, what's happening?

No, I know what you're saying because this one will forget the stage of life. She's in, and she will turn around to me in an airport and say, hustle. Let's hustle. And I'm like, uh, no, no, no, this is not the soccer. Yeah, we don't tell each other to hustle. Right? So same. Yeah, I'm with you. We don't. Oh my God, my favorite line in the airport is, hey folks. Walk with purpose. Yeah. Walk this purpose. Let's go. Yeah.

Let's go. So when I, if I go into the kitchen and I'm like, I'm blown. It's really weird because what happens is the rule, if you're blown, is you have to leave the floor of the kitchen and the restaurant for at least 10 or 15 minutes. So, what will happen is Amanda will go. Okay. She'll go up and get my table numbers from the hostess stand. Not even, assuming I can tell you what a tables I have or what section I have. So Abby's the kitchen manager because you would be, of course.

It's a high-stress. Get it done job. So, Abby starts pulling all the table numbers when she knows what they are. And then they just take over. So overwhelmed is a very intense amount of stress where actually you can no longer function in it. What's interesting is the only real empirically based solution to overwhelm is nothingness. Mmm. That's

Talking about fame or thickness, all the way more things about that, that I need this all along. I knew from the time I was born, nothingness was The Cure. I gotta have my Glennon and Abby was scoresheet Lenin Nails. The, the overview here and Abbie Abbie new overwhelm from the very beginning. Okay, Amanda. I just have you in the house.

B will do therapy together, call. Ya know. So, it's so funny because actually these Papa do managers through just trial and error knew what to do. They knew you had to leave so back then actually we'd go behind the restaurant and smoke a cigarette. Yeah, that's what I would do, but it's nothingness. And so one time when I was overwhelmed, they kind of took over. I went to the cooler for five minutes and I went to the back of the restaurant, smokes, a cigarette.

one time it was toward the end of the shift was the only other time I was blown and I was working at triple which was lunch light lunch and dinner because the tuition was due at UT and I said, I walked in the kitchen and they're like

Like move your in the way. And I was like, you know, because his people hustling hearing big trays as like, I'm I'm just I'm, I'm blown and they said, okay, grab her staff and they got my staff and they said, listen, just go home. Give us all your money and we'll check you out. The Headway. Will check you out and I said, okay, so instead of doing nothing. I got in my car, well because it was the end of the night. I had already started marrying, the tabasco's and catch UPS, like putting them together and filling them up, so I'm driving my car.

I light a cigarette. I rub my eye. Oh, yeah, my get Tabasco in my eye. I can't see out of this eye. I dropped my cigarette and we had to wear these polyester skirt. So it catches on fire and just starts. Yeah, just starts burning like an 80s girl with a cigarette at a rock concert. Like, you know, either thing and be like this. Yeah, it just starts burning a hole, then it catches on my tights and then I can't see. So I and I

II do this with the other? I can't see out of both eyes. I jumped the curb and end up almost getting to a really terrible rack. And I always think about that. Now, this is what I've learned from this research one. I got a freaking stop saying, I'm overwhelmed when I'm not overwhelmed. Damn it. Okay, he has neurobiologically, my body goes. Okay, life's happening too fast were out of control now. Mmm, so I need it when I'm overwhelmed my commitment to myself now is if I

I use that language. I'm going to stop what I'm doing and go outside for 10 or 15 minutes. Wow. So because your body says, oh we know what to do. We're shutting down. Yeah, and if you can tell people what you need, you're probably not overwhelmed. Mmm.

Yeah, have you ever had that thing where like I was, I deceive. Oh, okay. I'm completely overwhelmed. Okay, make me a list. And I'm like, dude if I could make you a list. Yes, that would not be overwhelmed. Like I need you to take like Take the Wheel. Yes. Yeah, you know that's the power of language. It is interesting. Empirical research in the book to anxiety and excitement present.

Lee the same neurophysiological e, mmm-hmm in studies people, who labeled it, excitement, had positive experiences, those who labeled it. As anxiety had negative experiences. That's very much the difference between Glenn and I well I feel that we have married the two ideas. So now instead of saying I'm anxious or I'm scared about big things that are coming up. We say I'm skated. Yeah, ah scared. That's the butterflies.

That's the like, okay, the yeah new and I'm but it's a good one. I'm going to keep going because I want thing afterwards. So I'm going to keep going, it's not fear. The gift of fear, which is telling me stop. It's the butterflies, which are telling me go. So Skype ID is where we lived. I love it. Okay. Let me just stop you here. And say, this is, this is a working example of the importance of language. So this German philosopher ludvig Vic. And Steen says the length, the limits of my

Language are the limits of my world. So why did you make up that word to talk to the kids? Everything is out. It's like because I one of them had to do something new at school, was at the spelling. Bee it was something like that. And she was saying, I'm too scared. I'm too scared. And so we started talking through what that feeling was inside. Did she actually even want to do the spelling bee? Yes. I do want to be a part of the spelling bee. So then well, if you want the thing afterwards, then what is

This this thing that's happening inside of us. It's saying this thing is new. It's out of my comfort zone, but it feels like a good thing. It doesn't feel like a thing that that is scaring me to stop. Yeah, it's scaring me to go. It doesn't have to be either/or, doesn't have to be, you don't have to be scared or excited. You can be both, right? Right and both. Yes, and that's exactly why language matter so much. So now your kids and now after this podcast, my kids

We'll have a word for this is what courage feels like, it's kited. Mmm. Yeah, it's yeah, it's like, but we make up those words because language gives us a neurobiological handle.

On what feels too amorphous and Gauzy to grab good?

And what you're doing. Because actually when you think about it that word having the only have a lot of invented words in our family actually. Yeah, but it helps me know them better. Yeah, because they're saying I'm skated about this fictitious going to play guitar last night or something. I know they want that thing. I know that they're not signaling to me. Mommy. This is too much for me.

Which is its I'm scared or I'm uncomfortable. Or I'm it's a signal to me. I'm about to do something hard and I need your encouragement because I'm feeling really vulnerable, but I don't want you to talk me out of the things. That's really good. Yeah, that's the power. I mean, it's like why we make up things like hangry or? No. No, it's like we need language. Yeah, beautiful beautiful as a worse time. God. Yes, this is something like it's like saying goodbye to someone. You love it.

It's both. It's the and both of this is so painful and so important to my human experience that I wouldn't change it for anything. Yeah, right. I would language

Okay, so I want to talk about this thing. This part about belonging which you're the most brilliant person on Earth teaching us about how important belonging is. But in this book, I felt like there was a whole new part for me. So in it, you talk about a time, you asked a group, a large group of eighth graders to come up with their experiences of belonging and not belonging. Okay, and I expected. He's our eighth graders. The majority of this of their responses, to

About the pressure of Middle School Pierce, but the majority were about their parents reactions to them seeming not to fit in, right? So they said not belonging feels like not being as cool or as popular as your parents. Want you to be not being good. At the same things. Your parents are good at your parents being embarrassed because you don't have enough friends and while I'm reading this, it struck me, holy shit. We are so desperate to make sure our kids don't experience the trauma of not belonging.

Being that we are, in fact, the ones that are giving them that experience unreal. So in braving the Wilderness, you talked about, not making the drill team at your school and said that became the day. I no longer belonged in my family. I tried out for cheerleading five times per day. She never made five times. I wanted. I wanted that uniform of belonging so bad. I just wanted someone to just put on something that would say I belong. So, but no, okay.

So, how do we as parents release our people from this kind of manufactured pressure to belong. Mmm. So that they actually can feel like they belong in our families.

Yeah, I think it's as simple and hard. As hard as I see you. I love you, and you will always belong here. Hmm, it is as simple and hard as

Doing your own work. So you're not working your shit out on your kids. Yeah, I mean and it is, you know, the hardest thing about raising a middle schooler is the unhealed sweaty seventh-grader inside of us. Yes, who's got the tray in their hand and doesn't smell quite right? And doesn't know where they're going to sit.

And we so desperately. Don't want that for our own children. And that thing is so still raw that we almost can't take it if we have to watch it unfold again. Hmm, you know and say, you know, I want to tell you let me think about this for a second.

so one of my kids, I'm just trying to think about how to do it in a mindful way, with foundries with my kids, but one of my kids experience a, you know, a not getting into something recently and

It's very hard and I was prepping for it because we had to tell them and I was prepping for it. I get really, you know, Steve's superpower is calm. It's just how he's wired. But it's also kind of the pediatrician, you know, thing. And so I'm like, okay. So how bad is it going to be like, how hard her, how hurt like get? Can you give me? And I sat and he's like, I think it's going to be okay. I think, you know, this is, you know, I think it's this and I said, fuck, is this going to be like

The Bearcats and he said, he said, no, no, no. No, we're not even near Bear Cadet level and I said, okay. And so then he went upstairs and I was doing something and

He came down like five minutes later, and he was teary-eyed. And I was like

The first I was like shit, it's gonna be like a Cadet so I was like what's going on and he said it will never be like that for our kids because we aren't those parents. Oh my God, you know and so all I needed and that moment was really for one of my parents to say

Fuck that. Drill team. Yes. Yes, you know what? I mean? And God, that sucks, but and I had no idea at the time that like I had no idea of their trauma and their history at the time. I just had like the grease version and my mind captain of the football team, head of the drill team. And I like it was a, it was a movie and I didn't know like how to of the football captain of the football team to work outrage after his father's death and had

The drill team to overcompensate for an alcoholic mother. And no one was allowed to go to their house because my grandmother was an alcoholic and back, then the only women in a were bringing coffee to the men and a, a, you know, and so I didn't know that part of it. So all I thought and so when I got in the back of the station wagon, first of all, I went up to the numbers and it was like you were a number when you try it out. I'll never forget the song either. They knew my house.

Yeah, just boo. And I remember looking, I was number 62, and I was like, 58, 60 64. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. And then I remember this a girl named Chris who everyone wanted to be a girl named Chris back then. Because like you wanted to Charlie Angels name or a boy named and a girl named Chris runs up and she's like, and then her dad leaves out of her car, his car, and ran toward him.

Our and grabbed her and twirled in the air with her. And I was like, yeah. Yes, and I remember just walking back to the car and getting in the back seat and Ashley and Garrett were in the back of the station wagon is me and my brother, and my mom and my dad, and I just cried with my head in my hands and we just drove off and nothing was ever spoken about it again. Oh, wow. My okay. Yeah. That that reminds me.

In your in the book. You say that this Center will hold if and only if we can feel the edges and that like I was until this moment thinking about that, as like that's our boundaries with other people, you know, if we have a solid ground under us and we know where we and it would someone else begins we can love them without shaking or core. Mmm, but it's

But that's with our kids, right? Like, oh, yes, we can. Accept our edges are not their edges. They're not their edges. They're not their edges. Yeah, and their edges are forced us out and to really Shaky Ground sometime, you know, and I've never had my therapist. Say yeah. I said something about,

you know, Ellen was talking about Ellen would come home from school. She's 22. Now. She's in graduate school. She would come home from school and she say, okay. This is happening. Then here the dropping is it and then like an hour later, we did it. First period.

Yeah, and I was like, yes. Yeah, we still I'm like give me tea obviously, when you get home tonight, but then I'll see the tea when I wake up in the morning, you know, and then with Charlie Good. Hmm. No, no, like how was it? Good fine. Mmm-hmm. And so tell my therapist I'm like, this is unacceptable. She said, say more and I said, he's not giving me enough information for me to shine.

She said what I said, either, I don't have enough information. He's not telling me what I need in order for me to have all the words and I have all the relationship information. I have like, I wonder if you're making up a story and I need more I you know, this is not working at all for me. He is under utilizing this resource. That is yes. Yeah, and and I am not able.

Be my best self with yeah, you know. And she. Yeah. And she was really like, I'm stealing. Yeah, shoot. Yeah. She was just like, makes me feel that way. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, we do. Yeah. Yeah, we sure do. We have one that at one point when I demanded that they talk about their feelings said to me, I do not know where they are.

Yeah, I mean it's yeah and then I realized wow, she's like I think you just let him be him and you worry about shining on your own terms. You don't get to you know, he's not responsible for your shine. Yeah, that's good. Yeah goodness. That's why I'm worried about shining on your own terms. Okay. So not as Sermon, Just a thought the story of not making

Kim has given you. I think quite a bit of story now and oh God, it's not for nothing. And I just want to say like some of the stuff for Glennon that she had to like struggle through has given her a little bit of positive stuff in her adulthood. It's true. I'm a Serial 40, really material and I do I do want to just make one slight confession, but that I don't want to talk about it. I just want to say the thing and then I'll go on to the next thing.

Okay. Okay, when you were talking, I just remembered and sister. I've never even freaking told you this, but I one time came home from high school and told Mom and Dad, that I had been up for voted up for the superlative of most popular and most likely to succeed. But that was not true. And I don't want to talk about it. But I just want to say, we will

What kind of poor child is trying to convince her parents that she is like something at school that she's not. And why is that so important? Why did I think that was so important? Do you want to my parents that I was cool. Next? Okay. So here I have to ask you this. This is a huge topic of conversation my family right now in our house. We can't stop talking about this idea of what is enough and

And, you know, this Brunei, we've talked a lot about the scarcity mentality with my book, Wolfpack. And I come from that mindset that place of scarcity, women's sports. You know, Glennon when offers are made to me. It's impossible for me to say no. And since Untamed has come out things, get offered to Glennon and she says, no a lot and I, that makes me feel anxious because of my scarcity stuff. I know that's my stuff, my problems.

she sees it as a way or or people, not having defined what enough means to them. And because of your success and because you are at the top of your game and are always just we just love and idolized you. I wonder

How you decide? What is enough, and how you define it and contentment? Right? That is you spoke about it. It meant, which is so freaking good. I mean, how do you define what you can? I just want to show everyone burn a space right now. When you said contented that's like, that's the face that I feel in my heart when people say, it's fine. It's just, like, I'm allergic at every level.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Mmm-hmm. I don't know what's enough. I mean, I only can tell you what's too much with a side dish of rage and resentment. Dang stuff. Yeah, but I really, yeah, I can't. Wow, I'm I say no. Like, so, first of all, I say no, like,

I interviewed James Clear who wrote Atomic habits and that book is really powerful, and one of his quotes is literally on a sticky note everywhere. I walk that says, we will never rise to the level of our goals. We will fall to the level of our systems. Yeah, and so, I have systems in place where I don't even see 90% of the stuff. I say no to

Hmm. So I have a system in place that controls my scarcity staff and my shame stuff. Am I? Holy shit? If I say no, they're going to stop asking stuff and my who do you think you are stuff? And so, and I'm really comfortable with that. And I feel good about myself for putting those systems in place. This is not mine, my idea, but I'm working on this right now. And I met with a business coach. I don't think, I don't know that maybe he'd be comfortable with me, sharing who he is, but I was working with a business coach.

And we were talking. He said you're going to have more opportunities than you've got time. Just based on how old you are and my 50s and he said, what do you want? And I described kind of what I wanted and he goes, that's not going to work. And I said, why? And he said, because you want all control and no accountability. And I said, well, yes, that's true. That's exactly. But then he said he gave me this piece of advice that has really been. I'm processing it. I'm in it right now. I don't have any report back to you.

He said your problem. I actually told him, my problem is discernment and fear about what's enough. I have a discernment problem. And he said I want you to change the way you think about every opportunity and to this question. What do you want to be held accountable for?

Wow, so now when I get asked to do something I say to myself, do I want to be held accountable for that?

Fuck. No, I do not want to be held accountable for that. Do you want to be held accountable for this? Yes, I'll be held accountable for that. And so, you know and for me it may be just personalized advice. But you know, he said you're a magnet for accountability because of your platform and because I have a lot of visibility and he said, but I would imagine you were that way when you were 4. Well, yeah, it was just you and your sisters and brother, you work out for the environment the atmosphere. Yeah, this is Ben here.

Who you have been since birth? Probably. Wow. Yeah, and so the thing for me now is a what do I want to be held accountable for that drives my yes or no and be do I want to do it is their joy in it, or do I want to prove? I can do? Okay. Yep, that's good. Yes, and that's the power of language. When you ask an opportunity. You're like, I want all the opportunities. Give me all these things. But when

When you really drill down and say, no, this this thing that is coming is something for which, I will be responsible and accountable and name it that way. It's like the bowl with the cookies. Amen. It changes. Your whole leg with the cookies, it does. Because it's the question is, hey, this is great opportunity. We do really think we can scale your work, and we could do this, and we could start this. And then we're going to, you know, I'm sure something that y'all both heard a million times, you know, we can say, oh my God, this bring my here, we can sail again.

If I hear the word scale, yeah, yeah, we can scale we can bring your work here. Including Bubba blah. And then of course, yes, what will I be held accountable for? Well, you know, we'll need to hire a team of Engineers and everything from password resets to customer survey. I don't want to be held accountable for any of that. Mhm. Mhm. Well, who would you like to be held accountable for it? Well, anybody but me, well, there's no one else then. I don't want to do it. Mmm-hmm. And that is beautiful. I mean we are going

Into the holidays, we are going into a new year, reframing things that we feel like things are happening to us all the time and around us and to be able to, to make commitments out in the world invitations. And to say, I don't want to be accountable for that. I will be accountable for coaching my daughter. I want II, that's something I want to do, but I will not be accountable for signing up for whatever the heck. I feel pressured into? Yes, because I want to be

Accountable for my ass on the stadium seed every water. Polo match. Yeah. Yeah. Hold me. Accountable for that on that person with the like, I'm the person with the neck and the ball side Balsa week week, you know, you got time to lean. You got time to swim.

Brunei. You and my sister. I just might have sir has sent me videos of her daughter's lacrosse games where I have said to Abby. Who is this freaking? Who's Ellen? Not let this person in his video. Who's young Exorcist? Like it's her again. It's her, your sisters. The one that's yelling screaming not positivity, but just the intensity