In this episode on the Underground we cover a few of the most common questions. I come across saving relationships motivating and disciplining your kids the eternal struggle between money and passionate your career questioning faith in humanity and the modern considerations of joining the military. These tips will help you out in life.
Hello. I'd really appreciate some advice on how to help codependent spouse who has recognized the problem of her own volition.
Addition and is willing to change but doesn't know where to begin. It is destroying the relationship but we both feel like it's not insurmountable and worth trying to salvage overt suggestions are ineffective and I'm looking for subtle hints and paths to steer her down without ordering her to do
XYZ car. Can I start? Yeah. So what what this scenario looks like to me is
You need you need to get some professional help for the codependent spouse. Now. How do you get a codependent spouse professional help without ordering them? Hey, you need to go get you need to go get professional out. What you need to do is say Hey, listen, I think we need help together and explain the fact that there's people that actually know how to handle these things and how to help a couple get through these scenarios and then you roll in there and you start going
Some kind of therapy and obviously the therapy will be will start to help her and overcome this thing the the whole idea of the brain mechanics, which I've talked about before there's people that know how to handle these things just like a mechanic of a vehicle knows how to handle that knocking in the engine. There's psychologists that know how to handle codependent people and how to get them back on track and out of that cycle. So I would
say you
you
you do that. You say listen, we need some help. I know that I want this to work. I think the best thing we could do is go get some someone that knows how to handle this stuff and help us do it professionally us through this professionally and you started out and you know, what you will get some help you will get some help out of it too. It's not just for the spouse. So nothing wrong with that man.
Nothing wrong with that that feels like a such a big part of it where it's like, oh, yeah. She's on the road to recovery. She recognizes this or
But like, you know, like any relationship is a two-way street kind of thing and we ignore or tend to or can ignore our own role. So I learned about this term called Extreme ownership smart outfit. I dig it where if you can really like kind of get in touch with that like what can I do or what did I do doesn't my you can you can evaluate this
because you're kind of at a minimum you're enabling it
right? That's what exactly right so
So if you look at it as 10 factors that are creating this problem and literally she quote unquote. She did nine of them look for that one that you did and just just Hammer that don't worry that much about this other nine stuff about her whatever just focus on and change that one and a lot of them that one is going to do. It's going to like dominoes really solve the problem. Can yeah.
Yeah, and what's interesting about this is
Part of codependency is like everything's my fault. So she's going to a or we're assuming it's her. I think it is. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's part of the it's part of the problem is like, oh it's my fault. So definitely there's there's there's ownership that needs to be taken on both sides. And that's why you go get professional help. Yeah. That's what it is. You do uncover both the corrective measures that both parties can take in this scenario.
Yeah, a lot of times to as a guy it's hard.
To be like, I don't know. I'm totally stereotyping right now. But sometimes will say as a guy it's like, ah, I don't need some person telling me how to act with my wife or whatever. I just wanted to shape up almost kind of thing.
Yeah. Well part of the part of the answer that I gave was sort of to was to trick the guy into going because look you gotta get help. So if you're there I just revealed my my
My strategy is to say yeah you best thing for you to do is go and take her to you know, you're good. We need help you do to you need help. There you go. Yeah, so go get it like a trojan horse. Yes. Take her to get help was going to tell him that surprised you got to help too.
All right, next question. I'm currently on episode 245 from episode one of your podcast. I have a nine-year-old son and USA see Quarter Midget Racing. What is that? This is like kind of
Go-kart type little cars with a with a roll cage on them. Oh damn, so he's a you know racing those cars pretty
cool. He has great deal of talent and we won some races
we have run some races ain't that we've ones from the Fate that yeah we had in there. It's a team effort for team effort
where he struggles is the emotional strength Department.
Look at nine years old if you not emotionally strong to get aggro. Okay. Sorry, I'm going huh?
I'm not mad too much at this point going this point. You did the right thing. Hmm. I constantly have to
try to try and light a fire under his ass to get him focused on the upcoming race. These races are over quick and you must be ready to go soon as they start he runs a mile a day. He runs a mild daily. And now I have to have him doing push-ups sit-ups and lunges. He's eating very clean and getting good. Rest. What else can I do to make you more of a predator rather than a parade right rather than pray.
All right. So first of all, make sure that he wants to do it this stuff right and make sure that he
enjoys doing it and enjoys doing it
a lot speaking of BJ Penn and Joe Rogan listen to that podcast. They asked they asked or Joe Rogan ask BJ Penn how he got his black belt in three years, which is
one third of the time it would take for a normal person. That was really getting after it takes 10 years to get your black belt man. That's just kind of a everyone say that you ask anybody how long it takes to get your black belt in Jujitsu there and say 10 years BJ Penn got it in three years, but he didn't just get it. He was the world champion. He won the World Championships in Brazil first American by the
way, so
And and Joe Rogan says, oh, you know was it disciplined will you to your level of commitment was your athleticism
and BJ Penn gave a brilliant answer
he said because it was fun because he loved doing it. And so
if you're committed to this kind of thing, well, it's because you enjoy doing it. So what is your son get from winning? Why is it important to win and I kind of joking they said we because does just make sure
This isn't your not living out your fantasies through your son.
Let's make sure that and I know you probably don't want to hear that but I have to say it. Anyways, why is it important for him to win? How do these skills going to help him in his life? What are they going to do for our future you should be explaining those
things to him.
You know who pushed Tony Hawk to be a great
skateboarder, Tony Hawk. Hmm. His dad would say
amazed dad would say hey we gotta get out of here. Let me just do this trick a couple more times. Yeah, you know push Michael Jordan to be Michael Jordan
Michael Jordan Michael Jordan. So
you're going to have some intrinsic motivation that Champions are going to
have that
you as a parent if you think you can get them to that level of
Motivation it's going to be difficult.
Because if the best thing to do and you've heard me say this about you just before us make it fun. If you don't make it fun, they're not going to like it and if it's not if they don't like it, then they're not going to do it. This isn't this is not just coming from me. This is this is the book
Outliers right and Malcolm, what's his name McDowell? No Malcolm Gladwell Malcolm Gladwell, his book outliers.
They the what makes the kids
good at hockey. What makes the kids good at soccer. What makes the kids good at computer programming and he's talking about like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and Stellar hockey players is that it was fun for them hockey players. Why was it fun for them?
They were a little bit older the guys that were older that got put into the league guys that were Bird born January 1st little bit bigger A Little Bit Stronger little bit more mature than the one they played they kind of dominated cuz they were a little bit bigger so they had fun. So when they had fun, they practice more when they practice more they got even better and it's a compounding effect. So make sure that you're putting that your kid is having fun because the more funny has the more he's going to practice the more you going to be into it if you're making him not like it.
Because you're like, you know, you could have done better. Yeah, I'll send these not having fun. He's not practicing. He's not training is not thinking about it. So don't do that. Make it fun for him.
Okay, so that's part one part two is if you want to get people
to get
stronger and tougher put them in tough situations not overwhelming situations even in the SEAL Teams. We couldn't take like a platoon and just crush them out
of the gate. We had to we had to go over
there. Okay, run this type of training Mission. Okay, you did good then we ramp up the pressure a little bit.
Oh, what do we do? Okay, we got it figured out. Okay,
cool confidence grows. They get a little bit better at it. Boom. Do it again.
Oh,
Okay, okay. Okay. And so and even when we had huberman on the podcast, which should be coming out this
week
he gave us the number. The number is 80 percent of the time when 20% of the time learn / lose right? That's the goal.
So put this individual put your
son.
So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko underground podcast. So if you want to continue to listen
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